Nightmare Fiend

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This is the first time I've been freaked-out this much. I woke up after that dream nightmare and I got a panic attack. I cried so much, for almost half the day. And I didn't like the feeling - to be scared and to be so alone... I haven't had this kind of terrifying dream since the past few months, and this one really got me to hell!

Seeing the person you love the most die in front of you and all those scenes playing-out look so much like in reality doesn't really leave a good impression to a paranoid like me... it was so terrible... horrifying enough to allow me to succumb to fear itself.

Glad he was fine. That he perfectly made it home safe.

A confused person: Rhima~as an author

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Okay here goes my ranting.

So before, everyone knows but no one really notices that I tend to feel pretty worthless. And when I do, I try to prove something to myself by pleasing others. Moreover, even though it leaves me feeling even worse, I tend to do such a thing in order to make myself feel better. It's difficult to describe. Low self-esteem, perhaps? I'm not so sure either.

I'm having a problem with sheer motivation. I've been planning to continue all my fictions and fan fictions but I can't find myself enough to be inspired to continue writing. Furthermore, all the ideas I have in mind doesn't seem to be easily put into words. And I even forgot some of it to boot!

I do know, however, that the first step to a problem is identifying it. In the past few weeks I've been thinking about this. I've realized that the problem is when things irritate me, I just bottle it up and ignore them. I've even gotten to the point where it almost hurts inside.

I know that ignoring the problem won't fix it, but this is just how I cope up with my problems. Of course, I never forget to open it and ask for help, especially now that I have the person I love and trust the most - Rey Niel Morales, my baby. He's great in taking care of me and handling my personality as much as I do to him. However, it doesn't change the fact that this "inferiority complex" and "low self-esteem" I had since childhood can't easily be forgotten, specially when triggered.

And just now, wanting to continue as an author triggered it. *sigh*

Honestly, I am confused right now. I know I became a better person when I learned to love again. I know that I am special to him. I know I am never worthless again. I know I love myself more than before.

But right now, thinking over these little things stresses me out.

And how this became related to going back to one of my hobbies? I don't know.